He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
