I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize