Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
