sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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