At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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