I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
