Jerry, you need to find god
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
