Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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