i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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