im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
