Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize