before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
