cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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