There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
