Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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