Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
