someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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