so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
