Can i not drive my cunt home
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
