Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
