Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
