My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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