i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
