My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
