I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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