omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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