The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
this is an emotional support booty call
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
