Little spoons don't ask big questions
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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