Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
