it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I lost the right to judge tonight
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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