my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
vagina is talking i cant
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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