She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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