Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize