Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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