I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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