Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
