I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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