What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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