ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
