i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
