hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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