does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
