omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Randomize
