Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
