i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think my moral compass just broke
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
