I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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