My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize