we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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