Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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