now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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