Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
