I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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