so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
