The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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