I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
