Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
