How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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