Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
