i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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